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lilaznanjul
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Name: sprinKles
Interests: reading good books ; walking around the city ; sitting at starbucks with a good anti-coffee drink ; taking photographs ; munching on cookies ; playing volleyball ; singing to myself ; writing and reading letters ; laughing too much ; smiling always
Member Since:
5/19/2002
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| silly thoughts lead to silly actions.
its okay to be silly sometimes.
as long as you remember that tomorrow is a new day for new mistakes.
it almost doesn't matter what you did yesterday.
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| Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
So, a year ago, I decided to make a photobook for myself. Doesn't that sound conceited. Anyways, it was about a very important summer. the Summer2010. There are a few reasons why that summer was so important. It was hard to see its significance during the time, but the semester afterward, I looked back and was like "wow, that was just something." And, someone pulled it out of my shelf last night and read it. I looked at it this afternoon at random and read some of what I wrote to myself. And it says, "...there's not time to feel sad and lonely, you paved a road to walk on." Yes, there is no time to do so. So, I'm getting off my melancholy mood, and bouncing back into life. There are certain choices I make in life that makes me who I am and there is no way, no how that I will sit there and doubt myself and make myself pity everything in my life. Ef' that. No more of that.
First thing I did to stop feeling so lonely is to engage myself into my friend's lives. I want to feel connect to people again. I don't want to surround myself with people and not talk to anyone. SPEAK UP.
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| hi,
i've been kind of sad lately. it might be me just being emotionally unrational or way to rational for my own good. but here's the point.
i don't like to waste time.
that being said, i would not like to think that this relationship is built up to be torn down. what the fuck is up with that? you can tell me all you want that that's how life is and i know i have to accept it. but ef' it. it's never been so real to me until the time you said, 'well, no one sees us staying together...' really? well thank you, because i feel like i am someone. if there is no commitment to it, why are we doing this?
and it happens every time. i fall so fast and so hard. my friend once told me, "lindy, i fall very fast. but i get up even faster." unfortunately, I myself have not learned to get up fast. all i ever do it retreat back to where it is safer - inside myself. i told myself the other day that i must smile and stop acting so melancholy. i can't give someone else the ability to control how i feel. i depend only on myself. i am happy because i choose to be happy. ef' whatever you think i should do or be. yes, it's horrible to bar yourself against the world and feel like everyone in the world is against you, but it really is so much safer so much more comfortable. i don't want to be this dependent on anyone else anymore.
then i had an epiphany today.
this happens every time. i become too passionate in a relationship, be it a boyfriend or a friend. i take things seriously. once i commit to something, i commit wholeheartedly to it. is that not the only way to do it? ..unfortunately not everyone else does that. i don't say things i don't mean. but, that doesn't mean other people don't. you tell me you love me. how many times have you told someone you loved them. what does it even mean to you anymore? yet, it is completely self-destructive. i cannot see myself with someone who is equally as passionate as i am about something. i will run away and i will run away fast. but these jerks that are not, it becomes painful for me. so, maybe... i'm not meant to be loved.
do you know that i cry a lot when we are together? absolutely not. do you know what i turn away when i have worries about anything? probably not. you don't see me for who i am. why are you wasting your time with me? everything you tell me can so easily be placed on another girl. and, they probably are. | | |
| another year gone, another year stronger.
this year has been a roller coaster ride for me and i'm quite happy 2011 is over. to tell you the truth, its been a breathtaking year, but very exhausting.
i studied abroad for the first half of the year and tried many new things. i met interesting people and had some unruly experiences. i also learned a lot about myself and lost a bit of myself along the way. it's what studying abroad is about, right? questioning your own perspective and motives with respect to a newly discovered world view. and i realized that its made me lose sight of what i've been chasing for all my life. i started to question if it was worth it or not.
i spent most of this summer in ann arbor, trying to clean up after myself. i studied for the MCAT again and did a lot of my research. i met new friends and gained new insights on ideas i took back with me from being abroad. and, can i just admit right now that it was a rough summer. i felt more alone than i ever did in my life. i don't think it had to do with living on my own, because i've done that a lot already. but i felt miserably alone and wanted some company, only to find none. a best friend helped me through the misery.. but i need, wanted, longed for a shoulder to lean on. I, essentially, started to become dependent on others. on top of that, i had a billion applications and questions about my past.
this school year, i wanted to try.. but really, all i did was fall and hoped to be catch. luck for me, i was caught a lot. by friends and family and a lot of support. right off the bat, i made my semester as terrible as i could for myself. i did a balance act of course load, research, volunteering, working (equivalent to a part-time), yoga/volleyball and bigger things. then, i did the worst thing i could do for myself: i got a boyfriend. the unlikely, what-the-hell choices i make in life always confuses me. i never make the right wrong choices always the wrong, wrong, very wrong ones. but, this choice is a good one, so far.
and so wraps up my year. good, bad, ugly, beautiful choices of life. like every other year, it comes, it goes, it begins a new one and ends the old. happy new year, my love. and be brave. be strong. because this year, 2012, is yours. it holds graduation, start of medical school, losing tough battles, finding my heritage, and much more writing. | | |
| i... i need a rock in life.
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